Shitloads of Fun!

Scentura wants me to have it, and that is the third reason they wanted me to come to orientation today. Reason #1: they want to get me comfortable and prepared for their atomosphere…..and what else could make me feel more comfortable and prepared than “I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie” blaring from the boom box as I walked in this morning? It always feels good to be accepted. Reason #2: to relieve my stress…..something various psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, acupuncturists, body workers, self help workshop facilitators, Indian gurus, Tibetan lamas and I have been working towards without much success for nigh on three years now.

How, pray tell, does Scentura plan to do that? I have tried many things: meditation, chanting, pranayams, vegetarianism, Chinese massage, Chinese herbs, the Landmark Forum, tractor trailer loads of self-help books, somatic experiencing, the Silva Method, Efexor, Celexia….and really have only found two things halfway effective: acupuncture and money.

I could only assume Scentura planned to relieve my stress with money (and/or Chris Farley movies) since I didn’t see any acupuncture needles anywhere.

I arrived about 15 minutes early, when one of the bosses (Boss J) took me aside and informed me they were giving a $500 cash bonus to the most enthusiastic person today, and the quietest person will be sent home. Hence, I should take a seat in front, and give a big shout out to anyone who walks in the door (as if Norm is coming into Cheers), and make a list of 100 people I know.

What a welcome change from IBM! I’ve never experienced anything quite like this, with the exception of the Southern Baptist version of Vacation Bible School, of course. Interestingly enough, Boss J, and much of the braintrust of Scentura also hail from North Carolina. Not surprisingly, Scentura has a strong bases in the Sodom and Gomorrah of the South: Charlotte and Atlanta. Now, I know a number of sleazy things have sprung into this world from the loins of Charlotte: PTL, WWF, the banking industry…..but, my minds remains open.

Despite the fact that every other word that comes out of Boss J’s mouth is “shit” or “fuck,” many of his teachings are quite zen, or at least, new to me. He instructs us to infect everyone with the contagion of a smile. He stresses that if the boss is happy, the workers tend to be happy. He warns against procrastination. He says “I want that shit to count. Don’t put that shit off! Shit’s not gettin’ cheaper. Shit gets kinda stressful.”

He said your attitude can’t just be OK, or good, it has to be Fucking Grrrrrrrrrrreat, like Tony the Tiger. Boss J admits he can’t solve all our problems in one day, but he can help us inch by inch so that shit don’t happen again.

If only I met Boss J before I actually paid money to talk to licensed therapists! Sometimes it takes a gay guy to straighten you out, and other times, a couple one liners from the foul mouth of a North Carolina redneck can get you further than several years of therapy. Since most North Carolina rednecks will treat you for free in the privacy of your own 7-11, this would be the preferred method for those of us not blessed with health insurance. (Note: Many North Carolina rednecks are fully licensed, maybe not to actually “practice medicine,” but to invariably to hunt, fish, carry guns, and drive semis, and which all can be great therapies/problem solvers.)

Other Keys Pearls of Wisdom from Boss J
1. Don’t be full of shit if you expect people to be honest with you.
2. Don’t be affected by failure and negativity around you.
3. Do NOT take financial advice from broke people. Only take advice from people who already have what you want. Eg: me-yunurs.
4. Only do things that make Commonlogical Sense.
5. It is NOT cool to go ATVing after you’ve been drinking in the pool for 4 hours.

Before Boss J worked his way up the Scentura ladder, which now allows him to drive a Benz, and chill in the Jacuzzi with a view of the beach at 5pm, he did work other jobs. Often people want to leverage the experience from previous jobs, but as he pointed out, clearly, that shit did not work, because if it did work, we would still be doing it. He asked us to let go of our old programming, and block out the negativity of family and friends, and have blind faith. Now, I have heard these things before….from people like the Yoga teacher who tried to recruit me to this cult who thought the world would end when their leader’s late husband came back in a UFO the size of Texas co-piloted by Jesus… but Boss J’s ellusions to his negative and unsupportive family in North Carolina, whose daily lives mirror the Jerry Springer show, really resonated with me for some unknown reason.

“Can my family give me any shit now?” he asked rhetorically, “No. I shut that shit down now.” I also long for a shield of money and success that can insulate me from the negativity of my family. I made over $100K for eight years, and had a half million dollar home, but alas, they did not afford enough insulation. Perhaps Scentura will.

Soon enough, I learned how the stress relief will come….I have to call everybody in my FFAAR group (Friends, Family, Associates, Acquaintances, Relatives), many of whom are long winded, broke, and negative Southern people, before 8:30am PST tomorrow and say:

“I just got a GREAT new job with a perfume company and TONIGHT only I can get you perfume at COST. This is what we got, how many do you want?

For Men For Women Unisex
Acqua Di Gio (Armani) Curious (Britney Spears) CK One (Calvin Klein)
Black (Kenneth Cole) Chanel #5
Black Code (Armani) Coolwater (Davidoff)
Curve (Liz Claiborne) Curve (Liz Claiborne)
Dolce & Gabbana Euphoria (Calvin Klein)
Euphoria (Calvin Klein) Fantasy (Britney Spears)
Hugo (Hugo Boss) Heiress (Britney Spears)
Issey Miyake Hugo (Hugo Boss)
Jean Paul Gautier Issey Miyake
Mambo (Liz Claiborne) Light Blue (Dolce & Gabana)
Polo Black (Ralph Lauren) Paris Hilton (Paris Hilton)
Polo Blue (Ralph Lauren) Touch (Burberry)
Polo Sport (Ralph Lauren) Usher
Touch (Burberry) White Diamonds (Elizabeth Taylor)
Usher

Often growth is not comfortable, and this is not comfortable for me. I was the kid who couldn’t even sell Girl Scout cookies. It makes me feel like I’m imposing on people. Calling family members will never be a positive experience. Therefore, I implore you all to buy a bottle of from me. You are entitled to unlimited exchanges. If I lose this “job,” I may not have as many interesting stories, or money for dog food. What can you get for $30? Entrance for two to a 90 minute movie, that may not be entertaining at all. I assure you I will give you more than 90 minutes of laughter if I can just make it until tomorrow. Something tells me the eco-friendly laundry detergent “job” won’t be nearly as amusing….