Melaleuca, Scentura, Baked Goods, Oh my….

Lawd!

As most of you know, my return home to Playa Larga occurred in a most ungraceful, abrupt, and unceremonious fashion, as many of my exits and entrances tend to, truly Force Majeure, Cas Fortuit, Casus Fortuitus…. Truth be told, I experience at least one Force Majeure just about everyday, and often time reveals those crisises to be quite “fortuitous”. Sometimes the Lawd, or the Universe, just has to work me like this, because Lawd knows I’m too hard headed and blinded by De Nile to see signs that are neon to everybody else.

I reckon this is how I often find myself in peculiar situations, such as dancing in a circle at the Dead Sea on New Year’s Eve, as the pianist signs “The Green, Green Grass of Home” in broken English, apparently in my honor.

Outrageous fortune on both coasts has caused me to get even more creative in my financing of certain essentials, such as paying my mortgage and buying dog food. Every day I have a new scheme to make money, I even got the crazy idea of looking for a job.

Many of my potentianl “jobs” turn out to be scams. Yesterday I went to to this “job” interview in an office park in the ass of nowhere, and when I opened the door, blaring rap music nearly blew me back into the parking lot. About 20 poor bastards sat in the lobby stoicly listening to it. A sign taped to the juke box said “if the music is too loud, you’re too old.” I racked my brain attempting to identify what type of business this could be, a corporate office for a titty bar, the World Wrestling Federation, a recording studio owned and operated by Vanilla Ice, judging by the ubiquitous presence of rap and ubiquitous absense of black people….. At last, one of the owners emerged to end my suspense and describe their business model, the key points of which are “we hate librarians” (I quickly stuffed my book down in my pocketbook so no one would get the impression I spend more time reading than I do listening to rap) and “if you don’t like the music, get over it.” Apparently it was the largest distibutor of fake designer perfumes in the universe. They wanted high energy. Luckily, I literally have a degree in Drama, so rising to the occasion was not a problem.

They want me to come back for a second interview on Friday. Yeah! At last someone values my skills and validates me! Whoo-hoo! But, as usual, as soon as I google my new “jobs” dozens of links from the Rip Off Report come up.

According to Wikipedia, they’re going to give me a partner, and instruct us to hang out in parking lots, where we wait for unsuspecting women, who we corner, spray with our cheap perfume, and then cajole/guilt trip into buying it from us. Maybe my partner and I should dress up in matching Ponch and John CHPS uniforms, with guns that spray perfume, and corner our prey with “Excuse me, Ma’am, you have the right to remain fragrant.” Then we spray our prey with fake Britney Spears perfume, until she is overwhelmed by how classy she feels and gives us all her money. Then we hop on our motorcycles and move on to our next “customer.” It’s quite Darwinistic, actually.

I can’t wait to see if this actually happens on Friday!

Meanwhile, my other “job” was….let me see if I can put it the way the cult/pyramid scheme leader put it…. “I help save the planet by helping my friends, strangers I meet at Starbucks (and myself) save money on eco-friendly consumer products they would normally buy anyway….but selling them a $29 membership to a club which requires them to spend at least $50 per month…..but it’s a great value, saves the planet, and we’ll throw in a free vial of organic hand cream to make everybody feel good about the transaction.

Before I googled it and saw the 12 links to the rip off report, I thought it would be a viable service for all those Rich Bleeding Heart Liberals boycotting Whole Foods because they’re pissed off abut what their CEO said about health care. Now where are they going to get their eco-friendly laundry detergent? A pain in the ass food coop. Rich Bleeding Heart Liberals don’t have time for that, they’re busy making money, and trying to catch Poor Bleeding Heart Liberals like me shopping at Walmart.

I know shopping at Walmart is wrong on many levels. I should just go in, feel rich, beautiful, and thin (in comparison to everybody else) and storm out without buying anything. But….them Beggin Strips ain’t cheap….Sassy Hancock Jones finished off her last one last night, and so I had to tell to inhale the aroma from the bag, which she is still doing. What’s a mother to do? I am really trying to transition over to just 99 cent stores, because you know, there’s nothing I love more than supporting small business and minorities, but then again, I don’t feed my dog anything from China. That’s where I draw the line.

I know I will be catching some flack from Rich Bleeding Heart Liberals over my purchasing choices…..well, I will be happy to stop….. All they need to do is get in touch with me and commit to buying $50 worth of eco-friendly product every month, and/or some fake Paris Hilton perfume. I will gladly send them a free tube of eco-friendly hand cream to express my gratitude and as evidence I have finally seen the light.

Time to get to work….I have a conference call with my eco-friendly laundry detergent boss at 9:00 and an event with my insurance selling boss at 10:00, then I need to interface with my tenants, ex-tenants, future tenants, and research some mold inhibitors for a new baked good I’m working on.